As we proceed through the final, angry books of the Old Testament, and the final days of Lent, Psalm 143 sums it up for me today:

“Lord, hear my prayer, in Your righteousness listen to my plea;

answer me in Your faithfulness!

Don’t put me, Your servant, on trial; no one is innocent in Your sight…

My enemy has hunted me down and completely defeated me.

He has put me in prison

I remember the days gone by, I think about all You have done.

I lift up my hands to you in prayer; like dry ground my soul is thirsty for You

Answer me now Lord. I have lost all hope.”

I know I am not the best servant, but I do feel I have given up parts of the world – the glamorous bits of my life – in order to follow Christ. Okay, I am not out there on street corners every day, but I do feel some degree of exclusion for my faith.

Not persecution, like the Christians I am reading about in revelation, but just not being in with the cool girls because I don’t spend heaps on clothes, or my writing is mainly about God.

Anyway, in these final days of Lent I feel on trial. I wake up and I realise that I am not going to get old in some powerful position, having the comfort of a bureaucracy around me, as I could have. I am not going to be a powerful journalist or even a published writer, at this rate.

I feel searingly, piercingly on trial. So pathetic when I think of the trials of Jesus, walking the streets of Jerusalem being mocked and falling under the weight of His own cross.

Still, when God is quiet, when He withdraws His miraculous presence from the world, as He has done for so long, it can be disheartening to listen to the world calling you a fool for giving up your place.

I hated that place of power when I was in it, I cried most days, but at least I wasn’t lonely. People didn’t tell me when I was wrong. Everyone’s all too willing to tell me when I am wrong now.

So, my Heavenly Father, as the psalmist says, please hear my prayer. In YOUR righteousness listen to my plea, which is a pitiful, selfish, pathetic one. Please love me and nurture me. When You look at me, please do so through the sacrifice of my Lord, Your Son Jesus Christ and forgive me for all my human weakness. Please strengthen me to pass on Your love to others. Please renew my strength and hope. In Jesus name, Amen