I’ve got two fathers, and in some ways grew up without one, because I never really got to feel that fierce ownership of either, that I see in my children towards their dad.

My biological father, who I grew up mostly without, is staying with us at the moment, and it is a beautiful and terrifying thing. At the same time I am reading Dawn French’s Dear Fatty, in which she talks about how her father and mother’s loyal love for her gave her so much ability to try…. even when she failed, she always knew she was loved!

That is something I never really had. I always felt that if I did the wrong thing or was too horrendous, then my adopted dad would leave. Now that my biological father, my father, is here, I feel every time I am a shrew with the kids ( often ;o) that he is not going to love me anymore. I feel like I always have to be on my best behaviour around men, all the time.

So God, I need this Psalm, which talks about you as the helper of the fatherless, strength of the helpless. I didn’t take home anything in the Judges chapter, just Samson being sexually manipulated by women and going ballistic about it. Same old, same old. Maybe I do take something home from that, but it’s a message I’ve learnt too well in my life, about the power of sexuality over men, and I choose to ignore it in favour of the beautiful message that “Lord you have heard the desire of the humble…. to do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed, that the man of the earth may oppress no more.”

How long, Father God, How long? I am no longer oppressed but so often fear of loss overwhelms love in my heart, and I lose my connection to you. Thank you for staying by me throughout all the years and the pain and the hurt. Thank you. Please stay by me for whatever comes ahead. Please watch over my children and my husband and all my family, Abba Father. In Jesus’ name, Amen