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Am I the only one who has lovely food every day, a home and family, who still has a constant nagging feeling of inadequacy which leads to a feeling of discontent?

I’ve been reading some material on recessionary living lately in my quest to live more carefully and spend my excess money (not that there’s much) on things like fair trade and helping out my friends.

One quote from 1 Timothy 6v8 spoke to me and has continued whispering in my heart through a few happy days:

“Having food and covering, we shall be content with these things.” When you’re a mum and you have to also organise food and covering for lots of other people, it can become more complicated, but the sentiment is true, as well as this one from Jesus:

“Do not be worried about the food and drink you need in order to stay alive, or about clothes for your body. Isn’t life worth more than food? And isn’t the body worth more than clothes? Look at the birds: they do not sow seeds, yet your Father in heaven takes care of them! Aren’t you worth much more than birds? Can any of you live a bit longer by worrying about it?”

Dear Father God, Thank You for the amazing gifts You have given me. Your love, my faith, my health, my family, food, shelter and clothing. Forgive me when I am not content with these things. Please help me to use all these blessings, and every other one, to Your glory. In Jesus’ name, Amen

Jesus begins to fulfil his ministry. He starts preaching, and more he starts healing.

His healing ministry is interesting to me, as I am starting to work with a new healing team in my church. We are learning about how to show God’s love, how to listen and how to pray.

One of the things that has been frightening me though is how full of rage I become sometimes. I was somewhat scared to see that when Jesus healed a man with a withered hand on the Sabbath, the Pharisees were full of rage - because their rules had been broken.

Jesus pointed out that David and his men broke the rules of the Sabbath in order to survive when they were on the run from Saul, and asked: “Is it lawful on the Sabbath to do good, or to do evil.”

Dear Father God, My heart is becoming choked with rage.  Please forgive me for being a sinful person, and please create in me a clean heart, one that is filled with your love. Teach me to live according to the way that Jesus showed us in His sermon on the mount (also Luke 6) “Judge not and you shall not be judged. Condemn not and you shall not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven.” Thank You for giving us our Lord Jesus who has put us right with You. Please help me now to live in the way he showed us, and to not allow rage and anger to blind me to You. Thank You for my healing team. I feel healed just being in it. Please help me to be a channel for Your healing to others. In Jesus’ name, Amen

I started out my readings today in an absolute tizz about some vanishing birthday cards for a party the children were attending today…. so when I read the deep anguish of Psalm 88 I felt more than a little ashamed.

I can’t believe I’m lamenting when I have so many blessings, just because I can’t find something. Nevermind that it cost me my last ten quid and spare half hour yesterday, it really isn’t worth wrecking my lovely free time with my children, when you consider the problems of the psalmist who feels God has totally left him.

“Your fierce wrath has gone over me; Your terrors have cut me off… Loved one and friend You have put far from me…”

So why couldn’t I just get rid of my tiny tizz? Why can’t I just let it go, as the pop psychologist people tell me…? Anyway, I stopped reading my psalm halfway through, being unable to concentrate on my God for something that amounted to 25 pounds all up, and prayed. And the amazing thing was, God, that You answered me. You gave me peace about something so crappy that was terrorising my peace of mind.

Thank You.

Acts 14-15 centres on arguments from different disciples about what parts of the Old Covenant must still be kept by believing Christians.

Peter says these beautiful words: “Now therefore why do you test God by putting a yoke on the neck of the disciples which neither our fathers nor we were able to bear.

“But we believe that through the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ we shall be saved.”

Dear God, Thank You for this beautiful verse today, that we only need believe in our Lord Jesus Christ, and You will save us…. Thank You for a lovely day with my children. Thank You for my lovely husband. Thank You God for everything. In Jesus’ name, Amen

These chapters chart the beginning of the story of the uninspiring first king of Israel. God chooses Saul as he is irritable that the people want someone to rule them other than them, and Saul lives out the Lord’s irritation as if it was written in his DNA.

In this story Saul gets freaked out by a series of little signs when he is preparing to fight the Philistines. His son Jonathan gets impatient and sneaks off with his sword bearer to fight the Philistines, and gets rid of them almost singlehandedly.

But Saul, in a bad mood, puts a curse on anyone who eats any food that day, as it was not him who beat the Philistines. Jonathan is unaware of the curse and eats some lovely honey, and his father thus curses him.

The people, already sick of their all-too-human new boss, scold Saul for condemning their hero to death on a silly whim, and save Jonathan.

Psalm 15 is about how people who want to live in the Lord’s tabernacle must speak kindly and not abuse others.

Dear God, Thanks for a magnificent, if tiring, day. Thank you for the company of my lovely children. Please give me patience with them, particularly when they are trying. Please keep us on your paths. It is easy to get confused. Please forgive me my sins. In Jesus’ name, Amen

God has a special place for the barren woman. Yet again the story of a great man begins with a barren woman.

Hannah is barren, and much despised for it. So she goes and prays to the Lord, and he hears her. When her son is born, Samuel, she dedicates him to the Lord.

He goes to live with Eli, the then priest, and grows and ministers to the Lord. Eventually he hears the Lord speak in the middle of the night.

Three times he thinks it is Eli, before finally Eli tells him to go and when his name is called, say “Here I am Lord”

So he does, and the book of Samuel begins.

1 Samuel Chapter 2 has also what looks like one of the first prophesies about Jesus, when a man of God says that the house of Eli will be bereft because of the sins of his sons (who rob the people who come to sacrifice to God) and that a new prophet will be raised up who will minister to God for ever.

Dear God, Thank you for the amazing last month. It has been strange and up and down and beautiful and scary, and You have revealed bits of your grace to me. Thank you for that, thank you for the healing. Please be with my father as he travels home. Thank you also for H, who called today to see if I was okay with my dad leaving. Please be with her and her mother, who is suffering terribly.  In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Judges finishes up with civil war among the Israelites. A group of men from the tribe of Benjamin attempt to rape a Levite, and instead rape and kill his wife. The rest of the tribe of Benjamin refuses to give the men up for justice.
So the rest of the men of Israel gather against them, and virtually wipe them out.
The other 11 tribes pledge never to give any daughters to the men of Benjamin, as they have been so despicable, so they help rebuild the tribe of Benjamin by helping the handful of men left “catch themselves a wife” from a nearby city.
Psalm 11 is about trusting God: “In the Lord I put my trust: how can you say to my soul, “Flee as a bird to your mountain.”

Dear God, Thank you for the rule of law which prevents awful things such as the events of judges. Please help us honour our laws, but also to honour YOUR law: the law to love you first and other people too, and to act kindly and patiently towards them. Thank you for being worthy of trust, more than worthy of it. Thank you for everything: our family; our faith; our health; everything. Everything is from you. Thank you for helping me love, and not letting my fear outweigh my love. When fear does overtake me, thank you for being close by, In Jesus’ name, Amen

Ironically, the book of Judges comes across as the most lawless. In the two first chapters here the judge is the son of a prostitute. At first he is driven from his home, but eventually is called back by the elders when they are attacked by the men of Ammon.

Jephthah drives the Ammonites out, and in the process promises God to give the first thing that comes out of his door as a burnt offering to God. It happens to be his daughter, his only child. His daughter says she will submit to this awful death, but first must go to the mountains to “bemoan her virginity”

She does, and then she is burnt. Poor girl. I can’t understand how God would want that.

The final chapter is how the Israelites start sinning again and are overtaken by the Philistines. It tells of  Manoah and his wife, who are childless. One day an Angel of God appears to them and tells them they are to have a son, but the wife must no longer drink wine, as the child is to be a Nazirite and will help free Israel.

She is never to cut the child’s hair, she is told by the angel. Can you guess who the child is named?

Psalm 9 talks about God as the refuge for the oppressed, a lovely thought.

Dear God, thank you for a lovely day today. Thank you for my family and my health and faith and the laughter we all had today. Please bless us tomorrow as we go to church. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

The rebellion gets worse. Gideon’s son by a foreign concubine becomes jealouse of his 70 brothers who rule once his father dies. He organises his mother’s relatives against his brothers, and slaughters all except one.

The one who survives, the youngest, then makes a beautiful speech about Abimelech’s treachery:

“The trees once went forth to anoint a king over them. And they said to the olive tree, “Rule over us.”
But the olive tree said: “Should I stop giving my oil, with which they honor God and men, and go to sway over trees.”

Jotham, the surviving son goes on to curse his half brother. God eventually sends an ill will against Abimelech and his conspirators, and of course it all ends up in everyone killing each other.

Abimelech is forced to get his servant to kill him after a woman drops a millstone on his head “So that no-one can say of me, he was killed by a woman.”

Eventually the infighting gets so low and awful that the Israelites call to God, who is by this stage so furious that He tells them: Go and cry out to the gods which you ahve chosen, let them deliver you in your time of distress.”

The Israelites wail and put away their foreign gods, and God can stand it no more. So He returns to them.

Such a treacherouse story on our behalf.

Dear God, please help me to stay true to you each day. Thank you for the reminders of yourself you give me - the feeling of light and hope that stirs in me when I pray with fellow believers, the way you work through those around me when I need to feel Your love, the way you give me such loving and lovely gifts each day. Thank you mostly for my family -my husband and children and all the rest of the mob. Help me to be your hands to them. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Each set of chapters in judges seems to start with the same thing… “Then the children of Israel did evil in the sight of the Lord….”

This time they are delivered into the hands of Midian for seven years. The Midianites are starving them, descending on the Israelites every harvest “like a plague of locusts”.

We meet Gideon as he is threshing wheat in the winepress in order to hide it from the Midianites. An Angel of the Lord comes with him and says “The Lord is with you….” The angel tells Gideon to pull down the altar to Baal which his father has built in order to keep peace with the Midianites.

Gideon did so, and having proven himself willing to do the Lord’s work, he is told to raise an army against the Midianites. He does, quite a large one. Too much, in fact, for the Lord, who says “The people who are with you are too many for Me to give the Midianities into their hands, lest Israel claim glory for itself against Me, saying my own hand has saved me.” So the number of warriors is cut back from 30,000 to just 300.

With these 300 Gideon chases out the Midianites, using some interesting tactics at the direction of God. The chapter ends sadly though, with Gideon making some sort of “ephod” out of silver at the victory, with which “all the Israelites played the harlot.” So, though there was peace for years, eventually the Israelites again forgot their Lord. “Nor did they show kindness to the house of Gideon in accordance with the good he had done….”

Dear God, Thank you for today. Thank you for the beautiful celebration service today for our school, which talked about wisdom, and loving you and loving each other and giving time and kindness to each other. Please help me to remember you and thank you always, and teach my children to do the same. In Jesus’ name, Amen

These chapters start off with Jesus telling the parable of the ten virgins who are waiting for the bridegroom. Five keep the oil in their lights filled up and five don’t. So when the bridegroom comes in the middle of the night, five don’t have the oil to light his way to the party. They are locked out.

He says we will be like that, and that we must all stay ready. He also uses the parable of the talents - where servants are told  to look after their master’s assets while he travels. The one who is given five talents uses them all and makes another five. He is given lots of rewards when the master returns. Another servant is given two talents, and he also earns two talents and is given rewards. But the servant who is only given one talent hides it in the ground out of fear of losing it, and so is cast aside when the master returns.

I’ve always found these parables slightly scary and I often feel like I’m not doing enough, or doing the wrong thing.

Sometimes though I do find it hard to keep my oil topped up!

Chapter 26 is the garden of gethsemane, when Jesus struggles and prays to God “O Father if it is possible let this cup pass from me; but not as I will but as you will.” It is painful to think he went through that horrible pain for me, but I find these verses comforting too as I know that Jesus also struggles with life, and pain.

Dear God, Please keep me burning for you until you return. Please forgive me the times when I fall short of oil and do not use my talents. Please help me to serve you joyfully each day. Particularly forgive me for the spirit of self-pity today. Please help me to rest in you my Father, as I am tired. I need your spirit to lift me up. Please fill me with your fruits: love joy peace, patience and kindness…. In Jesus name, Amen

The final pieces of land are divided up amongst the last seven tribes, and at last the Israelites have a land to call their own.

The Israelites also nominate the cities of refuge, one of which is Hebron.

Psalm 4 is about trusting in the Lord as He looks after his righteous ones.

Dear God, Thank you for a beautiful day. Please help me to do your work every day in a joyful and prayerful way. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Caleb - the spy who along with Joshua himself was the only person to tell honest stories about the land of Canaan all those years ago in the desert - comes to Joshua to remind him of his honesty and ask for a special parcel of land as reward.

Joshua gives him the hill country with the giants on it, I gather the giants who scared the other spies in the first place - The Lord will be with you to drive them out, he says.

Of course Caleb finishes them off with aplomb, and offers his daughter’s hand in marriage to the man who captures the walled city, Kiriath Sepher. Othniel captures the city and marries Caleb’s daughter Achsah. She is given a parcel of land to go with it.

Caleb gives her land - and then she goes further and asks for water with it. So he gives her the “upper and lower springs”. A good prize for asking nicely!

Psalm 3 is a morning prayer for help. I like verse 3: “But you O Lord are always my shield from danger; you give me victory and restore my courage. I call to the Lord for help, and from his sacred hill he answers me.”

Dear God, Thank you for all your blessings. I feel you have given me land, and the upper and lower springs. Thank you and praise you for that. Please help me do your will in tending for that land, and those springs, and all the loved ones you have blessed me with. In Jesus’ name, Amen

Both the Psalm and Joshua 9-13 are filled with bloodshed.

Joshua and his armies continue to clear Israel. None of the devices of any of the kings of Canaan work against the onslaught.

The Psalm also talks about how God controls the world, and mocks the plans of the wicked.

“Ask and I will give you all the nations,” Psalm 2 says, which makes me wonder if we ask Him enough to deliver us from evil…. although the rest of the Psalm seems to be prophetic, talking about Jesus and his kingdom.

Dear God, Deliver us from evil, teach us your love so we may show it to others. Thank you for my fabulous day with my friends L and C and also my father and children and husband. I have faith in You. Help me to have more faith.

In Jesus’ name, Amen

I have started to mix up my readings even more, including a psalm as well. This, the first psalm, is one of my favorites and I have partially quoted it here.  I love the image of the tree beside the river.

“Happy are those who reject the advice of evil men, who do not follow the example of sinners or join those who have no use for God. Instead they find joy in obeying the Law of the Lord.

“They are like trees that grow beside a stream, that bear fruit at the right time, and whose leaves do not dry up. They succeed in everything they do……”

Meanwhile Joshua 8-9 continues the story of how the Israelites take over Canaan. God gives some interesting military tactics: Joshua is commanded to camp with 30,000 men down the bottom of a hill that contains a town that has recently beaten off the Israelites (because one Israelite took things he should not have from Jericho ) When they men of the town, Ai, come down to chase them off again, they are to attack the town with a second, smaller group of men.

Dear God, please let me and my family be like the tree in Psalm One. Let us love your law - to love you with our whole heart and soul, and to love others as ourselves - and let us bear fruit at the right time. Thank you for a lovely weekend Father God, and thank you for K and J, the two lovely Jehovahs who come to visit each week. Please help me to find your true path from amongst all the interpretations of Your word, and when I get lost, please find me as you promise to do. Please forgive me my sins, in Jesus’ name, Amen.

Jericho falls, and is burnt to the ground.

Dear God, I am feeling ground down today. Please be with me. Help me to remember to love you with my whole heart, and to do your will.

In Jesus’ name, Amen

Jesus warns against the hypocrisy of the Pharisees and the load of the law they put on people, without lifting a finger to help them carry it.

“You clean the outside of your cup and plate while the inside is full of what you have obtained by violence and selfishness…. Blind Pharisee, Clean what is inside the cup first, and then the outside will be clean too.”

Jesus then goes on to talk about his love of Jerusalem, and prophesies the destruction of the Temple, as well as other troubles and persecutions. He then talks about the end of times and uses a chilling verse which I think sums up our age:

“Such will be the spread of evil that many people’s love will grow cold. But whoever holds out to the end will be saved.”

Jesus talks about when he will come again and says no-one knows the time except the Father, but he urges us to be like faithful servants, who are put in charge of their master’s affairs while he travels. They are happy when he comes back unexpectedly and finds them doing their job faithfully.

Dear Father,

I often find these prophecies of Jesus’s confusing, and I spend a lot of time trying to understand them. Please help me to be just like the faithful servant who does what his master has told him to do, until the master comes home. So please help me carry out my duties with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness and temperance. Please help me remember to pray, always, to you. In Jesus’ name, Amen

Joshua takes the reins for the final stages of the journey from Egypt to the promised land.

He doesn’t wait long. Three days after Moses dies, the Lord tells him to get ready for the journey.

Spies are sent into Jericho to suss out the place, and they encounter the harlot Rahab, who saves them from the king of Jericho’s soldiers in return for the safety of her family… “for all the inhabitants of the land are fainthearted because of you.” So that the Israelite army will know her, she is to tie a scarlet rope at her window.

The spies get back to Acacia Grove safely, and so the Israelites plan to set out, following the priests and the ark of the covenant.

Joshua tells the priests to proceed into the Jordan River with the ark, and the river stops and builds up in a heap upstream. The Israelites take 12 stones from the bottom of the river to put in their camp on the other side, as a memorial to this latest in the Lord’s great acts to deliver them to the land he has promised.

Dear God, Before Joshua led the Israelites into the Promised land, you told him to always remain true to your law there. You have given me so many blessings that I live in a different kind of promised land, albeit in the midst of much sin and sadness. Please help me to be true to your law, to meditate in it day and night, the greatest of which is to love you with my whole heart and others more than myself. In Jesus’ name, Amen

These chapters start with Jesus’ triumphant entry into Jerusalem on a donkey, in fulfillment of the prophecies.

He then goes into the temple, and smashes up the tables of the moneylenders, saying they have turned his Father’s house into a den of thieves.

He goes away, comes back and begins a series of debates with the Pharisees and later the Saducees.

There is lots to learn from here, as there is of course with everything Christ says, but my favorite, particularly after all the OT law is this:

“Then one of them, a lawyer, asked him a question - which is the great commandment in the law?

“Jesus said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You should love your neighbour as yourself.

‘On these two laws hang all the Law and the Prophets.’”

Dear God, Thank you for this amazing journey into your word. Please help me to learn from it as you want me to. Please keep me on the paths set out before me by my Lord Jesus Christ. Please help me to love you with all my heart, joyfully, as you desire. In Jesus name, Amen

In the closing chapters of Deuteronomy Moses finishes his epic talk to the people of Israel. He has spelt out the blessings and curses of their unique covenant with God, and now Moses finishes with a beautiful blessing to each tribe.

Oh to receive a blessing like Benjamin’s: “The beloved of the Lord shall dwell in safety by Him, who shelters him all the day long: and he shall shelter between His shoulders.”

Or Joseph’s: “Blessed of the Lord is his land, with the precious things of heaven, with the dew and the deep lying beneath, with the precious fruits of the sun, with the precious produce of the months. With the best things of the ancient mountains, with the precious things of the everylasting hills, with the precious things of the earth and its fullness and the favor of Him who dwelt in the bush.”

After Moses has delivered these blessings, and laid hands on his successor Joshua, he climbs up Mount Nebo and dies. “And God buried him in a valley in the land of Moab, opposite Beth Peor; but no one knows his grave to this day.”

And so, after such an up and down emotional journey through the desert of Moses, and its anger and love and ancient strangeness, I feel sad to leave.

“But since then there has not arisen in Israel a prophet like Moses….whom the Lord knew face to face” says Deuteronomy 34: 10.

Dear God, Please let me be humble and spiritually poor before you, as I ought. Please let me be a bold speaker for you before man. Thank you that you have blessed me with faith and a host of earthly blessings, despite my sins. For all my sins, those I know and those I do not, I ask forgiveness. Please bless the paths of my children, my sister, my parents and my husband. In the holy name of your Son Jesus Christ, Amen.

The disciples start getting competitive with each other, and asking who will be greatest in heaven.

Jesus called a child and said: “Whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”

Later in the verses when the disciples are trying to keep some children from being blessed by Jesus, he rebukes them, saying “Let the little children come to me and do not forbid them, for of such is the kingdom of heaven.”

So the last shall be first, and apart from being humble, and serving each other, we should really try to leave the rest up to God.

Dear God, Please help me just to keep serving you, without always having to be the best, the first and the most brilliant. Please help me be humble, while also shining your love and light into the world. In Jesus name, Amen

After all the promises and threats of the previous chapters, Deuteronomy 30 is where the covenant, between God and His people is sealed.

“You will have to turn to Him with all your heart,” Moses says, in sweeping powerful language, “The command that I am giving you is not too difficult or beyond your reach….” Blessings or curses - the choice is theirs.

“I call Heaven and earth to witness the choice you make today…”

And yet sadly, even in the next chapter, God says the people will fail Him.

Dear God, We are so flawed, we can never live up to your divine will. Thank you for sending Jesus to hold up our end of the contract so that we do not need to suffer being separated from you. Please help us to grow in his divine image. Please help us turn our whole selves to you. Thank you for the beautiful day we had today. In Jesus name, Amen.

More instructions on how to live. Many of them are strange to us now, but one in particular played a key role in England’s royal past.

Deuteronomy 25:5 is about a man’s duty to his dead brother. If his brother dies without a male heir, he is to marry his brother’s widow to ensure that his brother’s family name is carried on within Israel. If the brother refuses to do this, the widow is allowed to go up to him in the presence of the town leaders and slap him with one of his sandals.

This is the text Henry the Eighth used to get papal dispensation to marry his brother’s widow, Queen Katharine of Spain. I have not yet got to the text that he then became convinced condemned him to die heirless!

Dear Father, thank you that R has arrived safely. Thank you that he has come over to spend some time with us. Please bless our visit. Please help me to honour and remember you in every moment of my day, In Jesus’ name, Amen

Moses tells the Israelites that the blessings of the Promised Land are that it “is a land of mountains and valleys, a land watered by rain. The Lord takes care of this land and watches over it throughout the year.”
All they have to do is obey, and the Lord will drive out the giants who live there, and Israel will eat from orchards and olive groves they have not planted. This will not be because they deserve it, but because God loved their ancestors.
We are also reminded to be kind to foreigners, to Praise the Lord every moment and every day and to talk in the home about him and his great works.

Dear God, Please help me to talk about you and your great works with my family in my home. Please help me also be kind to foreigners, even as I am a foreigner. In Jesus’ name Amen.

Bezabel, the chosen artisan of God, continues making things, this time for the altar.

These chapters tot up the results of all the census taxes, another innovation that the Romans used. I wonder where the Romans got it from?

It talks about tonnes of gold, silver and bronze– all the wealth of the Egyptians - and it is to all become a holy reflection of God’s throne on desert earth.

Is this what the throne room in heaven looks like? With sumptuous gold and purple and almonds and beautifully wrought wood, and incense. It must have looked like the ultimate mirage in that sandy dry place.

With that, Exodus finishes and God descends in dazzling light into his tabernacle. Moses blesses the people, but he too now is banned from the holy tent, as he is not ordained.

Dear God, Please bless the last few days of Christian Aid week. Please open people’s hearts and wallets so we support the poorest people in the world. In Jesus name, Amen

Well I’m grumpy because each year for Lent I give up sugar which turns me into a scary monster. Why do I do this? I’m not sure really. I don’t want it to be a holier-than-thou kind of thing. I am not holier than anyone and I recognise that I believe and am saved only through the grace of God and the sacrifice of my Lord Jesus. Nothing I can do by fasting ior giving up things brings me one step closer to heaven, because that is not down to me.

So why do I do it? It is nothing in the face of the suffering I can find just by looking at Zimbabwe, or South Sudan, or the Congo. It is too weak a gesture to pretend I am showing solidarity with those who starve or mourn.

No, I do it because in a little way - a way little enough for me, a spiritual chicken, to bear - it makes me just that little bit miserable. It makes me remember that my little loss is nothing compared to the sacrifice Jesus made for me. And it makes the excitement of Easter, of when Jesus burst back into a world changed forever, so much better.

Sometimes we just need to get away from it all.

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